Emotional Cutter

Cutting is a very serious issue amongst young adults (mostly) but it doesn’t stop there.  I want to say especially for females, but I honestly don’t know if that is the case.  I just know I can relate to them better.

I myself haven’t cut in a very, very long time.  I don’t even consider myself a serious offender.  I used to dig just enough to break the skin and see a bit red, I always washed it immediately after and neosporin’d up so I wouldn’t have any scars.

I did have one scar, but I’ve been blessed in the sense that it has vanished over the years.

As I mentioned before, I haven’t cut in a very long time, nor do I plan too.  I also don’t think I could physically do that to myself anymore.  However, I’ve found another way to hurt myself.

You would think at the age of 24 I could deal with my feelings a bit more.  I know women are portrayed as irrational, especially when it comes to our emotions.  But honestly, if Men felt half of what we felt on a day to day basis I’m sure it would change the way the viewed us. Besides, no one is really taught how to navigate through how they feel, we’re just taught how to deal with it or shrug it off.  Deal with it usually means “get over it” at least that is my assumption.

Anyways – I need to find a better way to deal/cope with life.  I’m usually pretty good with holding it together, keeping calm, dealing with one thing at a time, one after another.  But then there are these periods in my life that are just filled with sadness.  There are plenty of reasons to be happy, valid reasons.  But sometimes the sadness is just so overbearing.  And what is worse, is it lingers.  Lingers for weeks at a time, maybe even a month (I haven’t really monitored it like that).  People don’t understand it, I don’t expect them too, they believe my reasons to be sad aren’t good enough reasons.  But that is an entirely different blog post…

Something triggers this feeling, something causes the emotional glass of sadness to tip over and everything that I’ve pushed away, put off, or believe I’ve dealt with just comes rushing back, wave after wave.  The sadness deepening.

It’s as if I store it for that moment I will allow myself to be sad and then I’m sad for everything.  Constant tears, strong indifference, lack of preference or enthusiasm.  I just let it all wash over me and I deal with it then.

It’s almost as if I’m telling myself and the world – “Look, if I want to be sad, Im going to do it right.  I’m going to do it all once and get it over with.”

So for now, I’m floating in a sea of sadness and I hope to wash up on a sunny beach soon.


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